Pappa wants mamma naked
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
