I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
