Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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