She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
