He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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