I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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