i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize