she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
