I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
