dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
