Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
