Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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