i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
