i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
