I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize