Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
