I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize