You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
