I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
