woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
