I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
