Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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