i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
