I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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