her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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