Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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