Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
