what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
