just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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