I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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