i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
