I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
