I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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