I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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