I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
