My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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