billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude. I can hear the air.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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