I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
