i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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