I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
