i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
