her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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