if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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