Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
