While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Michael Bay diarrhea
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
