Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
