When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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