You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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