Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
