i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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