If that was your dad, he is hot
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
