how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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