He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
