I accidentally burped into my bong.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
