dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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