Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
