apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize