singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
