so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
