I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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