I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
