I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
