He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
