I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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